dear certain teacher o’ mine, next time you have a bald spot the size of an orange on the side of your head, i’ll be sure to ask you to take off your hat too. over and out.

dear brenna hade, after holding you for 15 minutes I A) experienced biceps that burned like fire B) had spit up running down my legs into my shoes C) was confident that every mom I knew deserved a raise or D) all of the above.

dear stranger, while waiting at a stoplight this morning i saw you do a half a dozen 360′s in your powered wheelchair. JUST BECAUSE. this made me smile.

seriously, is wearing a hat in class disrespectful? it was a plain, gray hat. now i’m concerned.

and…..i would like to make it known that i have never been so mortified….in my life, especially by this certain individual.

I wonder who that would be. I could cry.

what the what?!

well, last night i had my port removed, which was a slightly horrifying experience that i definitely didn’t expect. originally, my doctors thought that the port might put pressure onto my mass (which obviously isn’t good) and that could cause my heart to fail – scary!!! i went to the er last night because i had the most intense stomach pain of my life. i know that pain and stomach aches are expected with this type of thing, but i have never felt anything like this, and in conjunction with my fever, i was seriously concerned that i had appendicitis that i’ve been ignoring. luckily, i don’t have appendicitis, but they did find out that my port (which has never been my friend) isn’t working very well and is putting severe pressure onto this mass, which hurts my heart, which somehow gave me stomach pain? doesn’t make sense to me, but most of this medical stuff doesn’t. it was kind of scary because i was awake but very, very drugged. so i saw the whole thing! seeing someone pull something out of your chest is a bit eerie. the picture is of my port before it was placed into me (way back).

and today i’m attempting to go to school for this group speech. i’m very drugged right now. ridiculous, and i’m not sure why i do this to myself?!

another thing that i have finally given into: chemo brain. i’ve had this attitude that it was all psychological and that i just wasn’t going to be affected by it. well, it has happened. i do okay with remembering how to do things, but have a hard time remembering formulas, dates, where things go on a map, etc. lucky me, that’s all i seem to do in school right now! i wish that i could be like “hey…..i have chemo brain so can i have a little cheat sheet where i write all the things i need to remember?” that would never happen and i’m so anti “pity party” that i can’t even imagine asking for it.

that is all.

I went up to the mountain

Because you asked me to

Up over the clouds

To where the sky was blue

I could see all around me

Everywhere

I could see all around me

Everywhere

Sometimes I feel like

I’ve never been nothing but tired

And I’ll be walking

Till the day I expire

Sometimes I lay down

No more can I do

But then I go on again

Because you ask me to

Some days I look down

Afraid I will fall

And though the sun shines

I see nothing at all

Then I hear your sweet voice, oh

Oh, come and then go, come and then go

Telling me softly

You love me so

The peaceful valley

Just over the mountain

The peaceful valley

Few come to know

I may never get there

Ever in this lifetime

But sooner or later

It’s there I will go

Sooner or later

It’s there I will go

–patty griffin

go on.

download the song.

it might change your life.

if you can live like that, i can deal with being sick for a few months, right? right.

you are oh so beautiful,

and kind (except when you bite me with your sharp teefers).

i love that you play along when i dress you up and act like its the most fun thing ever.

and it cracks me up that your first word was “raaaaawr.”

you’re so silly and have the most amazing sense of humor.

and you’ll always be my little.

over and out, girl scout

Random thoughts:

• I wonder how angry my doctor would be if I got my tattoo touched up?
• My dad is cooking bacon aka the only meat I will eat. My mom is screaming, “WHY DO WE HAVE TO MAKE BACON AT 9 O’CLOCK AT NIGHT?!”
• Little Pisser (Baby Skills) is actually laying on my bed! Shocker, I know.
• My mom called me a bitch tonight. It saddens me that she doesn’t like who I am. Even though she sometimes says that she didn’t mean it, the times when she says, “I can’t stand you!” mean more to me than anything else.
• Water, water, water. So tired of going to the hospital everyday to get hydrated.
• Never eating McDonalds again.
• Baby fix today. Little lovely Lady Lauren. Ahhhh.
• Threw up 28 times today – 18 of those were at school. Yes, it was awesome. I need some advice for keeping clean in public bathrooms. I have no choice but to use them because I’m at school a lot. I must admit, I get so annoyed when people don’t hold doors for others, simply because I don’t want to touch them. I know that they don’t know what I’m dealing with, so its not their fault, but sometimes I just want to scream. This kid looked at me like I was a nut when I was obsessively hand sanitizing my hands. Must get better with people staring….

dear grandma, i miss you. i don’t know how you dealt with this for so long. maybe i’ll see you soon? okay, i take that back. i guess that would be considered a “depressing” thought. BUT if i do happen to see you soon, i hope that people will say that i’m as graceful, wonderful, brave, and non-complaining like they do about you.

dear bank teller, sometimes I try and balance my checkbook before you send back my receipt through the tube. it’s kind of like a game, but this morning you were fast like jackalope.

dear math teacher (of all people!), our conversation today made me realize how many secrets I have right now. maybe its time to let some of those babies free. p.s. thanks for saying that i’m brave, even if i’m not sure if its true.

dear happy place, why is it I often find you in doing things like reorganizing my closet? i. need. help.

xoxo, katieeeeeeee

dear chocolate-chip cookie ice cream sandwiches, how come i haven’t eaten you since fifth grade? unacceptable. i now love you more than looking at my parents year books & buying purses for $3.44 in the clearance section at target.

dear NHL, you suck. i hate you more than listening to people ramble about cooking times in a crock pot, accidentally letting it slip that you’re the only one in a large group who remembers how “womanizer” by britney spears goes, and old men who claim they’re “really good with computers.”

dear eclipse, i hate to admit, but I really enjoyed you, although the farther the films go the more i hate edward. really, girls, why DO you like him? he’s clingy, overprotective, jealous, obsessive…. his face leaves alot to be desired too. and it really seemed like everyone in this movie was determined to be, well, pissy. i just want bella to legitimately smile, even once, and look like she means it. too much to ask? maybe. anyways, liked the movie but mostly liked charlie. and the harry potter trailer .

“Not All Who Wander Are Lost.” – J.R.R Tolkien